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Thread: Seperated and just not coping
- 06-10-2011, 05:01 PM #1
Seperated and just not coping
A week ago my BF left me. It all came around after months of not being happy. Finally last week we had a big fight and he tried to test out some boxing moves on me.
The following day i packed up my 2 kids and told him i would be back in a couple of days and i wanted him gone.
Later that afternoon i called and told him i didn't actually want him gone i was still full of emotions from the previous night. It was to late he was packing and leaving.
So within 2 days he has gone from Sydney to Adelaide and i am here in a house surrounded with 'our' things. I am just not coping.
I cannot stay in the house i cant afford the rent. He is helping me with it for the time being but it wont be forever.
He has asked me to follow him to Adelaide. When i ask the question if he wants me there for me or for the kids i don't get an answer. He will not talk as he says anything he says will be used against him if we do move and end up arguing.
He has already got a new job there, he owns his house there, his whole family and friends are there. And i feel like he is having a great time while i am struggling to function.
He called me up at 4am this morning, blind drunk, after he had been to his friends house and this just causes mixed signals. One one hand i feel we might have a chance and on the other i feel he wants to be single and act like he is 18 again.
I suppose i am writing this as i just have nobody to turn to. I feel so empty and alone. I am devastated i truly do love this guy.
Anyone been through anything similar ? of have any good advice about moving forwards?
- 06-10-2011, 05:30 PM #2Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2008
((((GBH)))) I'm sorry. It is all still fairly fresh for you and in all honesty it probably takes a good 6 months to get used to. You have to learn to live by yourself and do everything yourself. If it were me, I wouldn't move until I was absolutely sure that is what you both wanted. To me it sounds like he has been thinking about this for a long time considering in 1 week he has managed to get a job, and start having a good time. I don't think he will realise the gravity of what he has done until the 'novelty' wears off IYKWIM. With so much uncertainty I would be keeping the kids world as normal as possible without their Dad, so no big changes like moving interstate.
Wishing you lots of luck, and I suggest talking to a counsellor to 'vent' some feelings about the situation, it may give you some clarity and direction.
- 06-10-2011, 06:38 PM #3
if he's going to get violent with you, then in my books, that's unforgivable. we all lose our temper, imagine if it was one of the kids next time (yes, you can say he'd never, but i'm guessing there was a time when you thought he'd never hit you)
he needs to support you, financially, and prove he wants this relationship too. if he cant be your partner then you need to put in some support systems, and get help for you and the kids. stuff him.
its going to be hard, you invested into this relationship and he's just turned it to crap. he needs to work on it very hard, or you need to put an end to the confusion.
be strong, you can do it like so many others have. it will just take time.ME 29
IVF#1 - DS - 22/12/08
- 06-10-2011, 10:35 PM #4Jasmine Arabella born 25th June 2008
Angel Baby (Ectopic pregnancy) December 09-left tube lost
Matilda Savannah born 9th March 2011
- 07-10-2011, 07:52 AM #5
Oh hon HUGS.
I agree with the previous advice - do NOT move until and unless you are absolutely sure that you both want the relationship and he is prepared to put some serious work in.
The pain will pass and you will get through it, I promiseManic Mummy (33) ~ DH (30)
Josh and Ben born 12/Nov/2005
TTC #3 since Feb 2014 ~ ICSI with low AMH, praying for our miracle
Seek first to understand...then to be understood
- 07-10-2011, 10:52 AM #6
I agree with the violence, it's started off harmless now with only a few moves, what will happen next time when you have a major fight and he's had a few drinks (which makes anger worse).
I have been there before, when I was engaged to my ex. I thought I loved him, I thought he was my world. But in all honesty he didn't really love me at all, he kept acting like he was 18 like your BF.
It will take some time for you to heal and having the "our things" there won't help I understand. I wouldn't be moving until it's made clear what you want to do and what he wants. Seems like he's having the time of his life and it probably hasn't hit ground yet.
Are you able to get any help from anyone else to get rid or put away the "our things"? Sort yourself out first, let your heart heal itself and let the dust settle. There is other people better out there, you will learn to love another, it will take time though. Let him sort himself out, he needs to work out his own issues first.
What helped me was spending time with family and friends, it will take a few weeks to get used to being alone but you will be a better person.
Big hugs! I have been there and it's not good.Me - 1981 Him - 1978
Alison - 26/11/2006 PJ - 22/06/2008
SUGAR FREE - 12/10/2010
Weight Loss Start - 85 Weight Loss Current - 73.3
- 07-10-2011, 05:42 PM #7
I couldn't read and not reply. I haven't exactly been in your situation but I have been divorced after a 10 year marriage, so I know that side of things. These early days are the hardest and not a time when you should be making rushed decisions, esp with children involved. I agree with PP that you staying where you are will help your children cope as they will need as much of their world to stay the same as possible so that they don't feel like their whole world has been turned upside down.
It did take some time but I have moved on and married a wonderful man who is completely supportive of me and my children, we even have one together now. So life does get better and you can go on to have a very happy and fulfilling life if that is what you choose to do.
Personally the violence would be a deal breaker for me but that is not my call to make. Only you and he know the real in's and out's of your relationship and no-one else has the right to judge whatever decision you make (not that I think anyone in here has).
Good luck with whatever you decide.DS#1 - Dec '98
DS#2 - May '01
DS#3 - April '09
DS#4 - Our angel in heaven Mar '11 (20.5 weeks)
IVF PGD #1 - Oct/Nov '11 - no viable embies
DD#1 - She's finally here - Aug '12
We are now complete!
M/C's Dec '09, Mar '10, Jun '10, Sep '10
They may leave our hands, but they never leave our hearts
- 10-10-2011, 09:38 AM #8
No way should you be moving you and your children anywhere with him when he has hit you. It's just not on.If Life Hands You Lemons, Make Lemonade. If Life Hands you Melons, you may be dyslexic.Me 32
DS 14 He's so BIG!
DS 10 - Sweet baby boy
DD 8 - Little miss attitude
DD 6 - Delicate fairy girl
- 10-10-2011, 11:38 AM #9
Thanks everyone - I was very emotional when i posted that and i apologise - Things are looking up now. I have a plan and i feel 100% better than i did a week ago.
He is still very much wanting us to go there. I am not going to move there at the moment. I do plan on taking the kids down for a couple of weeks though to see how things are before any decision can be made.
obviously things need to be worked on and if a commitment can be made to seek help and move forward i will consider the move but as it stands it is not really an option now.