Our beautiful boy Paddy...

[LouiseK]

I'm sorry I haven't been on here in a long, long time but I didn't know where else to turn...

I am feeling helpless and hopeless and really don't know where my life is supposed to go from here...

I started a post earlier trying to explain my story but it was just too long and complicated.

So the brief version is that we lost our beautiful baby boy on the 14th May. He was stillborn at 21 weeks due to a rare complication.

We were hopeful and excited about our accidentally, naturally conceived miracle after 5 years of heartbreak (see signature) only to have our hearts completely shattered at 20 week scan. And then the trauma of induced labour, funeral arrangements, post-partum hemorrhage 2 weeks later, requiring D&C and blood transfusions etc etc...

It has been 5 months now and although I am having a lot more good, productive days, I am still having really bad days (like today obviously!) where I am just still so sad and cannot get my head around any of it. I did have 3 counselling sessions initially and I think that helped but did not feel I needed to continue. I have family and friends that have been really supportive but I am so sick of being the sad one everyone feels sorry for..

My partner is an amazingly strong man who has carried me through this incredibly traumatic time while also dealing with his own pain and a very stressful job. I truly cannot fault him through any of this. He is truly my best friend, soulmate and rock. But our relationship has suffered and our sexlife is practically non-existent... I am so scared of losing him...


I just really don't know what the point of my life is or what I am supposed to do now. I haven't been working full time over the last 5 years and don't have a career that I have a burning passion for. I am trying to keep busy and all that crap but my heart is not in it.


We have been told we have just been incredibly unlucky and this medical problem is not related to our other losses and it would not happen again. But there are a million other things that could happen and going by our luck previously....

I don't think I can go through anything like this again. I don't know how I would survive.


So I am contemplating what my life could be without children...and the endless questions that come from that...


Wow I'm so so sorry, that turned out to be a long version too!! It's hard to get my head around and explain it all...

[MonkeyBoo]

Im so sorry for your loss, May your precious boy watch over you from above

I am not sure what else to say but couldnt read and not respond, so sending you some strength to get through this hard time. xo

[joji]

I'm so very sorry to read of the loss of Paddy and all the heartbreak you and your DH have been through.

It sounds like you might be able to get some benefit from some more counselling sessions. Time is a great healer but you don't have to suffer through this by yourself, there are people and groups that can help you.

Have you and DH talked about the possibility of trying again, or of not trying again? Trying to come to terms with that decision, whichever way you decide, might help a little with processing some of the grief you're feeling.

Just remember, you don't have to be strong all the time, it's okay to feel ripped off, cheated, heartbroken, sad, angry and however else you feel xx

[AllyWA]

Oh how very sad for you and your DH. I am so sorry for your loss and totally understand that doesn't really help as PP said, perhaps more counseling may be an option?
Do you and your DH talk through what happened? How you are still feeling about it etc? I understand losing bubba, and the horrible process of induction knowing that you won't get the precious reward at the end - it is heart breaking and an experience that no one should ever have to go through. I found (after losing our DD this way at 18 weeks) that only at about the 6 month mark did I even think about another baby. The constant fear of it possibly happening again is so daunting.

My only advice is to keep talking with your DH. Tell him how you are feeling and that you can see it affecting your relationship - make it clear that is not what you want. He sounds like a wonderful man and I am sure he does understand. Get more counseling sessions if you need, and perhaps get in contact with a loss group IRL.

Best wishes and good luck, am thinking of you xxx

[stillhopefull]

LouiseK I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story sounds very similar to mine (as you can see from my sig), we had the same type of news at our 20 week scan & had the heartbreaking decision to make wether to induce or not. My I ask what the condition was, if that is not being too insensitive? Ours was Thanotophoric Dysplasia which is a freak genetic condition affecting about 1 in 50,000 pregnancies.

I feel for you having to make those funeral plans in the days following the birth, something that no parent should ever have to do. I know I found it one of the hardest things I had ever done.

Things will get better over time, slowly. I am 6 months in and still having bad days, today being one of them. Still in tears & still visiting the cemetery every week or two. I don't think it's is going to be something that we will 'get over' we will just learn to live with it somehow.

I could go on forever, you caught me on one of those days.......
I'm sure your little Paddy is sending you his love from above.

Big Hugs to you & feel free to PM me if you would like to talk further.

[Ayesha]

Oh you poor darling, I'm so sorry Paddy had to leave this world too soon. It's every mothers nightmare you are living.

Grieve Hun.....take all the time you need. It really does sound like you would benefit from some more counseling though, you will need to build up resources to help you cope as you remember your little boy throughout time. Counselling may also help you overcome the fear of something similar happening again, but that is a decision only you and your DH can make.

Thinking of you and remembering Paddy

[LouiseK]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm not sure what I was hoping to get out of posting here but I think it does help.

I also realise (but didn't want to hear) that I probabaly need some more counselling of some sort. It's just when I am feeling this crappy I just can't see the point, it's all too hard. Would mean i would have to have shower and get dressed, make a phone call etc...i'm a bit Embarrassed to ring for an appt as I cancelled last one and haven't been touch since.

And stillhopefull, I don't mind at all you asking about medical issue. I just couldn't fit it all in previous post.

Our baby was one of Acardiac twins. Apparently there is 1 in 35000 chance in twin pregnancy. He started off as one of identical twins and the second twin stopped developing a few days after conception but for some unknown reason continued to take a blood supply from the placenta. This twin had no heart(Acardiac) and no upper body etc but continued to pump blood and swell up and this extra work put too much strain on our baby's heart and his heart failed.

This was only discovered at the end of our 20 week scan, and after all the measurements etc had been done and were perfect. We were sent home for 4 days and were told to return to see the specialist. When we had that scan, his heart had stopped. I was induced that night and after 14 hellish hours I delivered my beautiful boy....

My wonderful DH is very good at communicating (much better than me!) so we have been talking a lot( he is away for few days for work now which may explain my meltdown!)

But I think he gets where I am. We have said we will talk about the future when we are both ready. We have had nearly every conversation possible in the last 5 years....

[AidanCameronsMum]

Louise the first year is so tough, there are days that are so very hard to get through and unfortunately it is one where time is the only thing that helps make the days bearable.

I would recommend giving SIDS a call, they are great. I don't know wha I would have done without them, and even now 5.5 years on I still go to get togethers at least 6 times a year (in fact will be going to one tomorrow). Just being able to talk to other Mum's who have lost a child is very beneficial, there may be tears but to know you are not alone is the best thing in the world.

Your partner could also go and understand more about where you are coming from. I know for my DH he said that it is different for him because though he missed the twins he did not have them growing and moving in his tummy so was not as bonded to them as I was.

Deciding to try again after a loss is so very hard, I know for me my pregnancies were quite stressful but I made a group of on-line friends who where there for me every step of the way. Also SIDS were great in helping as well. Plus I had a great OB who let me come in for extra visits and to see the midwives whenever I felt like it - that made a big difference.

If you ever want to talk I am here.

Big Hugs and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Suzanne

[Zenith]

These angels really do make such an impact on our lives. I hope that you find some peace, it must be a very difficult journey for you,one that your beautiful little boy is supporting you through.

[bee_1980]

I'm so sorry you are going through this but I did see this organization on the news the other night that are doing amazing things for families in your situation, maybe give them a call and see what support they can offer you and DH. All the best xx

SANDS Victoria
Suite 208, 901 Whitehorse Road
BOX HILL* Vic* 3128
Ph (03) 9899 0217 (administration)
Ph (03) 9899 0218 (support)
Fax (03) 9899 0219 (fax)
Email:* info@sandsvic.org.au
Website: Sands