HELP - Her heart is breaking ... *long post!!

[AllyWA]

So some background. DD is 7.5 years old her BF and I separated when she was about 2 months old. I met my current partner when DD1 was just under 1 year old and we have 2 (well almost!) children together.

We have recently been through court and sought court orders to help make things more consistant for DD. BF is supposed to have her every 2nd weekend Fri - Sun and whilst she is with him he is required to facilitate her attandance to extra curriculars (she does pony club 1 rally per month and Ballet although only concerts are on the weekend as practice is weekday)

He is re-married and his new wife has 3 children (with two different fathers - this does become relevant!) and they are living about 5hrs drive away. So, because of the situation with her kids they have to drop her son off at his Dad's on the Friday arvo and pick him up Sunday. The other 2 kids do not live with them so they pick them up on Saturday morning and drop them back at some stage on Sunday. They bring 2 cars when they come because if they have all 3 of her kids plus my DD theri car does not have enough seats (following so far)

Fast forward to now. He has not had her for his past 2 contacts for one reason or another. I sent an email to let him know that she has Pony Club this Sunday - which he is welcome to attend or I can take her whichever is his preferance. (Now because PC is always the 2nd Sunday of the month, it is the first weekend that it has fallen in "his time" for ages because of the 5 weeks in October throwing the fortnights out IYKWIM??)

His reply is that it is all too hard and he is not going to bother because he has 3 other kids to look after DD is understandably upset (NO I didnt tell her this is what he said but she asked this monring if she was going to Dads this weekend and I said I didnt thin khe was coming down ...) She doesnt understand why they are always running around after the wifes kids and she is never allowed to do anything with him. He never calls her (even with the new orders in place with specific times during the week he can call etc) and she doesnt want to call him.

Her heart is breaking. She told me this morning that she knows deep inside her BF loves her but it doesnt feel like it anymore. He is never 'allowed' to spend 1 on 1 time with her and they have to do everything as a 'family' (new wife and he got married after meeting 3 months before and this was only 18 months ago). She knows he has his car when he comes down and so she asked me why he couldnt go in his car to take her to Pony Club. She depsaretely wants him to see her ride and be part of what she loves.

I dont know what to tell her. If he wanted to see her he could - very easily. He says he is to busy to call her, but he works 1 week on 1 week off (WTF?) We both ended up in tears this morning because I feel so bad for her and I cant fix it. I dont feel that it is right she should have to miss out on things that she wants to do, just because it is his contact time. And in fact the court didnt think this was right either - hence the orders for him to facilitate attendance.

Please tell me what to do? what to say to her? That I am not over reacting and he is being a moron? I am a mess about it

[Turbo]

Oh the poor thing My heart was breaking for her just reading that. I really don't know what to tell you, but I had a friend in a similar situation. She split with her DP when their DD was less than 1 and he never wanted much to do with his child. I am sure he loves her, but he is obviously just a selfish guy. But I always used to feel so bad for her and my friend, especially my friend who had to make excuses to her DD as to why her father couldn't visit her on the weekend etc. Its so sad. I hope your DD is okay. I am sorry I couldn't be much help for you. Hopefully, some other ladies on here might have some advice for you.

[anARKy]

I do feel so bad for her, poor kiddo, she must be heartbroken. I wouldn't know what to say to her either and it is very difficult being the one to tell her. I have always been the bearer of bad news too, until recently when I make my Ex tell his son himself why he can't see him. It has worked and made him accountable. He is the one who has to hear the disappointment in my son's voice, listen to him sob as he asks why he can't see him, and he has to try to make it better.

I don't know if you have been to mediation with him, but I would be marching straight back there and sorting it out. Yes people move on and have 'new' families, but we all make allowances to keep our kids part of that family. You both have gone to court to take any guess work out of what you are both required to do as far as her care, and he doesn't get to decide that now it is just too hard for him.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this, I truly hope for your little girl that he realises he isn't being fair to her. ((((GBH))))

[AllyWA]

Thanks for the replie Turbo and Anarky ...

We did mediation - failed miserably which how we ended up in court.

He agreed (at court) that he would and should take her to activities. Now he is basically saying that if she has something on, he wont have her at all. This puts me into the hardest position ever! We fought so hard for her to be able to have the 'best of both worlds' so to speak

As far as him telling her he is not having her - he would turn it around. Last time this happened it was about the big end of year ballet concert. When I got him to call and explain he said to her and I quote "Because your mum has organised this on my weekend I cant see you". He blames me, sadly this is his actual truth. He believes that I purposely organise things on his weekend (How on earth I manage to organise a PC with 350 members to be on his weekend, and an end of year ballet concert with 700 students is beyond me). But that is his 'out'.

I dont want to go to court for breaching of orders because I dont want to force him to have her. Thats not right either. Not to mention that we speak just on 30k this year and cannot afford it again.

FML. Am so frigging emotional about it all. Cannot figure out if I would be anyway or if the fact that I am 36 weeks is contributing.

Thanks Again xx

[Dusty]

My parents divorced when I was 8. My Dad married a woman who hated us kids. She made sure we knew where we ranked.

Anyway, I won't dredge up that old rubbish. What I will say is that it is his CHOICE to forfeit his time with his daughter. He is choosing his new wife over his child. It sucks, I know first hand how bad your daughter would feel (despite her young age).
It sucks even more that you feel like you can't do anything. While it's true you can't fix him. You can make sure she knows she's the most special, most gorgeous, beautiful and important little person in the world! I'm sure you already do that, but you need to realise that it helps her.
I had a crappy mother, luckily she's out of my life. But meh.

Wow. I'm sick and tend to prattle when sick.

My sisters and I had our ups and downs with the rejection thing. Big events like weddings, having a child etc is when it really hits home how little a certain "parent" has been involved.

You're doing it all right. And she'll work through it with your help.

[AllyWA]

Thanks Dusty. I am sorry it sounds like you didnt have the best circumstances growing up
It concerns me that a grown woman can be so concerned about a 7 year old spending one on one time with her Dad. Hugely insecure.

I am dreading to think about weddingd and babies etc, I guess for now she is 7 and there will be a long wait before any of that (I hope!) Do you mind me asking - do you think it would have been better off for you, emotionally, if you never saw him? If he just sort of 'disappeared'? This is obviously unlikely to happen but I have always wondered how kids without Dads around feel ...

Thanks Again

[Kyliemaddi]

I feel for you and your daughter. At 7 its kind of too young to understand but old enough to kind of get hurt but you arent sure why and cant understand the whole situation.
My parents divorced when I was 7. She left him on the spot and they had agreed access one weekend a fortnight until we were in our teenage years and had busier lives etc. My mother never bagged him and tried to nurture our relationship with this man the whole time. It wasnt until my late 20's that things started to turn sour and I realised the type of person he was, Selfish, never helped our mum with a cent towards our lives, always pulled out of our important events, turned up at birthdays and xmas for about 30 mins and made excuses to leave, never included us in his families events etc. She let us make up our own minds when we were old enough as to what we wanted to do with our relationship with him and im sure it was a really hard decision for her and one she probably regrets today but. There are alot of other reaons that I wont bore anyone with on here but its a really hard decision for you. Do you continually let her get hurt or try your best to keep what is there for the time being and then let her make her own decision when she is older as to how she wants the relationship to proceed.

[Dusty]

No, because sadly he is genuinely that clueless, and the better parent in the mix! By far.

I'm grateful he's in my life, but I don't depend on him, or anyone else for that matter, for anything. It's a sucky sucky lesson eh.