In need of genuine Christian help/advice

[tess2007]

This may turn out to be long, and if any of my friends who were on the ttc journey read this, none of my anger is at you. You have done the hard yards and I am genuinely happy for you, even if I do cry about it. My tears are my pain.

Anyway, I am in need of some sound, understanding christian advice/thoughts etc. I don't want "just trust God" or "it's His will" type platitudes. I am being 100% honest and genuine here and need something more/better than that.

I grew up in a household where i was physically, emotionally and s*xually abused. Most of it stopped by the time I was 11, just not the emotionaly abuse. That continued, and my mum still tries it on today. Most of the time it has a lot less effect than when I was a kid. I became a christian when I was 13. I was desperate, suicidal and needed a way out. God was that way out and over time I developed what I thought was a genuine faith and a genuine relationship. In my mid 20's some stupid stuff happened at the church I was at and my husband and i walked away for about 6-7 years. We still believed in God but didn't go to church and in that time I didn't read my bible etc much.

In 2007 I began to look at new churchrs and to pray again. Our DD was conceived via ivf after 3 years of ttc. It was a long and painful journey to that point. So now, 2 years later we are back on the ttc path. I managed to conceive naturally early this year but had a miscarriage in June and have had no luck since.

THe pain of the miscarriage and infertility are bad, but what hurts worse is feeling like I have been abandoned by God. Deep down, because of the abuse I experienced as a child I have always felt that I am not acceptable to God. I know the bible says we need only believe and accept Jesus' sacrifice for us but I always feel like maybe I didn't say the prayer right or maybe I don't truly believe. Because I feel completely, utterly, totally unloved by God. And I don't want to feel that way. I have prayed I won't feel that way, that God will help me to know Him and have a relationship with Him, that He will help take my doubts away but to no avail.

He won't answer those prayers so that I can know I am a child of God and He won't answer my prayers for another child. I figure this desperate longing for a big family is from God, but He won't answer my prayers so it seems like a cruel joke.

Today I told God I give up and that I am walking away but I can't beause deep down I know there is a God and I believe it is the Christian one. So I feel right royally scr*wed by God. I am not Job. I am not going to survive the testing of my faith. I will walk away at some point.

I need help. I need people who have been there, who know what it feels like to feel abandoned by God and I need hope. I need to God to find me because it just ain't working as it is. And I want to give up.

Tess

[Meredy]

don't you hate it when people say it's His will etc it's so not helpful! we've had a lot of people say His timing is perfect etc but that just made me feel like he was going to wait forever! but after being told we were both infertile and had no chance of conceiving by ourselves I am now 21 weeks pregnant without ivf or anything and I still don't get why he thinks this is a good time because it really wasn't lol we've had to change a lot of things because of when the baby is due but I know he must have some really good reason for making us wait so long
I guess I'm trying to say i know how you feel I have felt abandoned and it has really effected my relationship with God but I am slowly getting back on track.

sorry this post is a bit disjointed my thoughts are all over the place at the moment but you are a beautiful daughter of the King perfect in his sight and he loves you more than any of us could ever comprehend.

I don't really have a lot of advice for you as I am still a relatively new Christian but I'm here if you need an ear or a chat or whatever

God Bless and hugs to you

[pebblemuncher]

Oh Tess, I haven't been through even a quarter of what you have but I truly do feel for you. I think your feelings are completely justified and normal, and it's very easy as a Christian, like you say, to say "just trust God". But it's never that easy is it..

I can't possibly begin to comprehend what you are feeling. But what I can tell you, is that even when it feels like you are totally alone and that God has abandoned you - He is with you.
From personal experience, I've found when I'm at my lowest, when things are toughest, and when I truly whole-heartedly 'let go', I find God pulls me through.
What was done to you as a child, doesn't make you unworthy of God's love and grace. What happened to you, wasn't your fault, they weren't your choices. The people who did those things against you - will be held accountable one day and they'll have to answer for their actions.

I have a friend, who has gone through some unspeakable things that were done against him. Things that happened for 28 years. He's held onto his faith, although often he felt as though it was pointless. This year, has been a turning point for him, he's got his life on track, he's back at Uni, he's doing what he's always dreamt of. Anyway, this song really helped him through it. I hope it can help you. If you ever need someone to talk too - please don't hesitate to pm me. You will be in my thoughts & prayers. xxx

Beauty from Pain - Superchick
YouTube - beauty from pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

[Nezz]

In all honesty I don't have the answers. But i just couldn't not reply to your thread.


I'm going to think about this before i come back and post something. But i'll be thinking of you in the mean time.

(sorry i know this isn't helpful)

[Naomi H-B]

Oh Tess, I wish I had the perfect words to help you, but they aren't coming right now. I will pray for revelation and I will come back later on with some thoughts.

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and it is OK to get pi**ed at life and the stuff of the world.

One thing that I always think about when I feel unworthy is John 3:16. I know it is the most over-quoted bible verse, but if you really think about it in a different way it opens your eyes to God's love. God so loved the WORLD that he gave his only son. It doesn't say God so love the perfect people, or the 'good' Christians, or the straight people, or the white people, or the people who never swear. It says God so loved the world, with all its sins and imperfections.

Like I said, I will be back later. Take care of yourself. xxx

[Kylie78]

Tess, I too have no answers for you....I can only offer prayers.

I personally love the story of Joseph... God has a plan for us all and while it might seem he has forgotten us at times it is just that we don't know what his greater plan is for us. I know this is a 'trust in him' type platitude, but I think you can believe in this and still feel justifiably betrayed at the same time.

[Fee]

Hi Tess,

Just wanted to share with you a beautiful poem that has helped me many times deal with situations where i feel alone. Christian or not I feel this poem is inspiring or at least can be for everyone in their own ways. x

Footprints in the Sand


One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

[Naomi H-B]

Warning, this is a looooooong post!

Hey Tess, you have been in my thoughts and prayers all day long. My heart is breaking for you that you cannot enjoy your relationship with God at the moment. I agree with everything the other posters have said so beautifully.

It is an intensely personal thing and I don't think anyone can tell another person how to love God - it is like telling someone how to love a child.

That brings me on to how my relationship with God has changed since becoming a mother. I truly didn't appreciate what God had sone for me until I had my son. The mere thought of him banging his head or cutting his lip brings me out in a cold sweat, yet God gave his only son for me, so that I can have eternal life (and everyone else!!).

My husband and i have laughed since our DS was born that we can now see what it must be like for God watching us as his children. When we see Theo doing something that is so wrong, or dangerous, or he is being defiant or stubborn we laugh and see our own actions. We know as hi parents what is right for him and what is safe. We watch over him, we protect him, but we also let him have his independence and let him get a bump every now and again because he has to learn.

HOWEVER.... We don't ever want him to be in pain, to be hurting, to be angry with us. I once heard a great message on this subject by one of the best preachers ever- Robert Ferguson. He talked about how God is our father and like any father he doesn't wish harm on his children. It is not 'God's will' that people get cancer, or that babies die, or that you have trouble conceiving. God's will is for us to be happy and healthy. He created us for perfection, we were supposed to be living in paradise, but we screwed up and so we live in an imperfect world. We don't know how to cope with death, loss, frustration, disappointment etc, because we were not created to feel those emotions.

I wish I knew why there was cancer, why people like my Uncle had to die a horrible long death that destroyed his family along with his body. But I can't. I know that was not God's WILL. I don't know why God didn't miraculously heal him, but I am sure it will all make sense in Heaven. I don't know why it is hard for lovely people like you and Saint Ark to conceive when you would obvioulsy make fantastic parents and you have so much love to give. But i just have to have faith that it will make sense some day.

When I am feeling distant from God, i try to immerse myself in my favourite worship music. I need that emotional response to really clear out my head. To block out the negatives and just to focus on the positives of what Christ did for me. My fav song is the new version of Amazing Grace. it is an old song, but I swear it gets more powerful every time I hear it!

Don't try to force yourself to talk to God, or to be 'Christian'. Just make the decision right now to open your mind and heart to Jesus. To let him talk to you through the people around you. Some people are lucky and hear from God in full techni-colour, others, like me, hear from him through conversations, books, songs, movies, sermons. Be more aware of what is going on around you, you will be so surprised with what God is trying to say to you.


One verse that came really strongly to mind for you today is from Joshua. I was reading the book of Joshua last month and I was getting really frustrated because it just seemed to be about the Children of Israel fighting one nation after another. And then when the wars were over, it was the division of the land among the tribes. I was really struggling to find anything meaningful in it all. Then two things struck me out of the blue. In the division of the lands, the Levites were not given land for themselves becasue their inheritance was to be the priests. We are like the levites, our inheritance is to be God's priests - to do his work here on earth. We are children of God and we share the inheritance of God with Christ, our brother.

The other thing that hit me in reading Joshua is that it is the fulfillment of the promises that God made to the Children of Israel. The majority of the book is a boring list of who got what land and where the borders were, but the whole point of it is that they got the land! They got the inheritance that God promised them. It may have taken 40 years, but the promise God made them came true. Now I KNOW it wont take 40 years for God's promise to you to come to fruition. The verse that illustrates this the best is Joshua 23:14 You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.

God doesn't fail on his promises to us.

I hope this makes sense to you. I truly hope that you can recover your relationship with God. Even if you don't feel you can talk to God right now, please try and listen for him. He is there. He will never leave you. He loves you with all his heart. He loves you no matter what happens.

Much love to you sweetie xxx

[tess2007]

HI All

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. It helps to know I am not alone in my feelings adn thoughts and to know that there are people who will listen and help me figure this stuff out. Because I am genuinely seeking at the moment. I really do want to find God - or let God find me - in all of this but I feel so lost. I have tried talking to DH and a good friend who is also a christian but they don't get it and don't seem to have the answers. I am not sure what I am looking for... except to know and trust in God totally and to know that I am His child and loved - to REALLY know that not just be able to acknowledge it in my head.

Naomi - I have a question - how do I know that God has any more children in my future for me? Maybe this one is all that is promised for me. But then, why do I have such a huge ache inside? Why am I still yearning so deeply for more? I want 3-4 children. Surely that isn't against God's will? Surely that isn't a bad thing?

And I suppose, under it all, at the moment, lies the cry "haven't I been through enough? Why do You hold children back from me?"

I know, I can look back and I know I am a better person because of my childhood. I became a christian, I have a lot of empathy, compassion etc. I liket o think I have good values - valuing people and quality of life rather than just material possessions and selfishness as I see in some of my family. I wouldn't be the person I am today without my childhood, but surely that was enough for one person to experience. Whjy must I go through infertility and miscarriage as well?

I would really appreciate it if some of you were willing to continue to 'chat' to me. To help me find my way.

Thanks
Tess

[SaintAnk]

Hey, I can't help with christian advice as I'm very strongly atheist, but I just wanted to send you some massive (((HUGS))). I'm so so sorry that you're going through such pain and heartache. I wish nobody had to feel the pain of infertility... I hope you fall pregnant again soon. You'll be in my thoughts. xx