Alcohol - how much is too much and how do I deal with it?

[jacs]

***Posted anonymously on behalf of another birther***

I am after some advice please. The main point is, I am worried about how much my DH drinks

But there is more to it than that....this is not the first time this issue has been brought up in our relationship, and last time it was an issue, it caused almost irrepairable damage Not JUST because of the alcohol, but a whole host of other issues. We actually briefly separated.

Which is why I'm terrified of bringing up the matter in conversation again. Last time, he accused me of being a control freak (not just about that but it was one part) and he turned to smoking when he said he'd stop drinking to 'prove' he could do it.

Last time, he said it was because he was unhappy and stressed, and did it to relax. Which is fair enough, we were both pretty stressed out and unhappy because of our numerous relationship issues. This time, I am struggling to understand why he has slipped back into it. Our relationship is great (well, at least I think so, and he seems to think so), he now likes his job (hated his old one), and we have so many positive things in our life right now.

In the last month, I have tried to talk to him twice about it without sounding like a 'control freak'. First time, I just kind of mentioned in passing that he'd been drinking a fair bit recently, and I thought it was maybe a good idea for him to cut down a bit.

The next time (which was last week), I was quite upset as I felt he hadn't listened at all the first time. But I didn't start by 'accusing'. I started by asking if he was happy, if there was anything he was stressed about etc - it was all calm and civil and he said there was nothing stressing him etc. So then I brought up the alcohol issue, and he just went all quiet. So I left, not wanting him to see how upset I was. He came and found me and told me that he agrees he's been overdoing it a bit and that he'll cut back.

Well.....he bought a bottle of spirits on Sunday....now it's finished. Which means he's had, on average (I haven't been monitoring so closely that I know if he drank every night or not) 4/5+ standard drinks each day. So now I am feeling, AGAIN, like nothing I have said matters and that he doesn't realise how much it upsets me.

I don't even know WHY it upsets me so much. I just don't understand why he has to do it. He doesn't go out and get rolling drunk, but it's the CONSTANT drinking - almost every day, that I just think is not healthy. It makes me worry about him and I just don't like that he seems to depend on it so much. That he can't relax without it (or that he has something he needs to relax from IYKWIM).

And I guess deep down, even though it was a few years ago now, it still reminds me of the most awful time of my life when we separated. It makes me worried that all that will happen again. That maybe he is unhappy but just not saying so?

So I guess I just needed to get this all of my chest and maybe to get some advice.

So....

*Do you think that having 4/5 drinks and average of 4/5 days a week is too much or am I overreacting?

*Even if I am overreacting, it is obviously affecting and upsetting me to the point I can't just 'ignore' it, so how do I approach it with him AGAIN (for the third time) without sounding like a control freak, but make him understand how important it is to me, even if it's a 'nothing' to him?

Just after some advice please....TIA...

[DFH's Mummy]

IMO, yes I think there is a problem. I lived with an alcoholic parent that no one would believe me was an alcoholic for years until they started wetting themselves and falling down drunk in front of them. They couldn't believe that she was an alcholic with only drinking in a set amount of time. It started with the regular drinking each evening and never got to around the clock or anything but I could see her starting to get edgy waiting for 6pm when she'd allow herself her first drink and then it wound back to 5.30, 5, 4.30, 4pm and she'd drink until maybe 9.30pm when she'd have to go to bed to pass out. She couldn't go without the scotch. I even experimented with adding stuff to the scotch like pinapple juice and sauce and she couldn't even notice after her 3rd drink.

Alcoholism to me is when the person cannot go without it, they are an addict and you can see them burning for it. You say your DH needs the alcohol, I say he's got a real problem and it needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP, for everyone's sake. I would ring one of the helplines about addiction to get some professional tips on how to approach him about the drinking. If he ever does get drunk, I'd film him too to show him what your kids, if you have any or your future kids, are being/will be exposed to.

HTH a bit.

[manda83]

I think the PP has given some excellent advice. I don't know that that amount of drinking is excessive, only because the only thing I have to compare to is my Mum's DB.... who I think is very much an alcoholic. He doesn't see it that way though. He will drink a block of beer (30 cans) in 2 days. There is never a day he goes without beer. When he was working, he would crack one as soon as he walked in the door from work (anywhere between 10am and 4pm). Now he is not working, he starts drinking about 8am every single day. He only stops while he has naps during the day (maybe 1 or 2) then starts back into it until he goes to bed at night (around 7pm).

If your DHs drinking is seriously affecting you and your relationship though, I think that is another issue. I would be mighty upset if my DH did something constantly that made me upset and never tried to fix the problem. Maybe your GP would be a good place to start? I have to say though, unless he is willing to change, he will probably keep throwing back the 'your a control freak' response.

What ever you chose to do.... Goodluck!

HTH

[zeeeb]

i would think someone who has to drink almost every day has a problems, but someone who has 4 or 5 drinks a day, it will take heaven and earth for them to realise that it is a problem.

i have a friend who drinks every day and has a real routine about his drinking. he has to have a couple of drinks before tea every night, and he gets a bit annoyed if he doesn't get the opportunity, sometimes he's come to stay at our house and i just made dinner and then all of a sudden it's ready and he hasn't had his drinks and he gets annoyed. so he has probably the same amont of drinks 4 or 5, but it's every day, without fail, and then obviously more when in a social situation. he's old, over 70, and his partner just enables him and doesn't think it's a problem.

i guess it doesn't really effect his every day life, and it's not doing any obvious harm, but if it was my partner, i would be annoyed, and there is no way i'd stick around the ever if it was me. there is no need to rely on alcohol (or cigarettes for that matter) as a coping mechanism, it shows there is some deeper issues that need resolving.

just the pure waste of money, when buying the alcohol comes before other things that you may need to buy would get to me, if that comes as a priority as important as food and clothes and accommodation, that seems wrong to me. alcohol or cigarettes is a luxury item, and should be able to be gone without.

best of luck, i hope you can get him to see the light, but i know it's hard because he wouldn't see himself as getting rolling drunk, and ill from it, so would fail to see that it's anything but you nagging him.

[munzo]

I think it's a problem if you think it is a problem. Some people drink that much everyday and it doesn't affect their day-to-day living, and when I mean day-to-day living, I mean it doesn't affect their relationships, their work, their finances. It is the norm for them, and whilst society probably sees it as an issue, they don't because their spouse doesn't, and their family doens't and their work doesn't.

But this is affecting your relationship, so I think it's a problem, and I think it is irrelevant if he drinks one a day or a carton a day. It's a problem becuase it affects you, someone that is important in their lives, and therefore indirectly it is affecting them.

[Jaybe]

My DH drinks more than that most days a week, and while I worry constantly and harass him about it because I dont think its healthy, it doesnt really affect our relationship much. He works a high stress job and will come home most nights and drink a whole bottle of wine himself which I believe is about 6-7 standard drinks and still doesnt appear obviously drunk. We've fought about it alot in the past and I have just come to the conclusion that he is old/knowledgable enough to be responsible for his own health & choices, as much as I dont like it.

So I agree with Munzo in that its not a big amount to me that hes drinking, but it is very obviously affecting you both so I would feel the need to continue trying to do something about it.

[mapameja]

I knew someone who drank like this. Similar amounts, every day. At the time, nothing would get through from everyone else that there was a problem. Denial was name of the game. Even when the GP said that there might be an issue, the GP was accused of being too extreme / precious about it.
Only after a serious health issue meant extended hospitalisation and no alcohol for a prolonged period of time did it stop. And only about 3 or 4 years down the track was there any acceptance that it was (and is) an issue.
I would suggest seeking professional advice on how to handle it - is it AlAnon that helps the family & friends? It's an issue of dependence and usually it's a form of self-medicating, even if it isn't in excessive amounts. If it's happened in the past it definitely needs to be fully addressed this time.
Good luck. It's a tough road, but for his own good - and yours - I am sure it is worth it.

[suziz3]

I would say he has a problem or addiction I guess. How does he act when he is drinking? normal or not normal? How is he on the nights he doesnt drink and is he wanting to drink then and doesnt.

I love my wine but if I drank a bottle of wine in a night (which yes I could easily achieve) there is no way I could back it up the following night, maybe a glass if that.

He is in denial and yes it is affecting you. Maybe ask him to cut down his drinking to 3 nights a week and see what he says then.... but yes def not good for his liver thats for sure..