Very unhappy place...

[Me+Three]

This is a bit long sorry..

DH and I are having a few issues atm. We were going to have another baby, but then I got pg and had a m/c. DH has now decided he doesn't want to have another baby. It isn't the grief, or being afraid of having another m/c, he just doesn't want any more kids. That's it.

I however, am just devastated. I am so upset with DH (and all those damn baby product ads on TV) and so angry that it is really affecting our relationship. He wants to DTD and I just don't want to as it seems pointless as we aren't TTC. I keep hoping we will have an 'accident' and I will get pg but I just keep being disappointed. With a little TMI, we aren't using any contraceptive except withdrawal when I am o'ing, which just frustrates me even more. It is very unsatisfying...

This morning I was saying I didn't want to DTD as DH won't 'finish' properly and he got all cranky. He said that I can't blackmail him and if I kept doing it, we may as well get divorced or he will start sleeping downstairs.

I know it is wrong to try and use blackmail. I understand that and I have also promised DH that I will not lie about when I am o'ing. But right now, I am just so upset and angry that I am being a total b*tch all the time. I am picky about stuff he does, I nag at him and constantly moan about having another baby. I know this isn't helping him change his mind, which I know he never will, but I don't know what else to do. He has said he wants to get the snip but I am not letting him. I can't accept his decision. He won't do it until he thinks I won't hate him for it.

The tension between us is almost constant. I know I need to let go and move on but I have spent the last 8 months thinking I would be having another baby and now it just isn't going to happen. I sometimes think about being a single mum as I am just so sick of DH. He just annoys me about so much stuff; lazy with housework, lazy with the kids , swears at me, plays with his stupid I-phone at the dinner table etc. I don't know if it is just because I am so angry about the baby issue or whether it is part of a larger problem.

I don't really have a question, just letting it all out... thanks for reading

[toddleralert]

dont have anything to say, but i hope you sort it out... (and he lets you have another baby in time) but big big hugs!

[Tori74]

I haven't been in your position, but I know I would have a few choice things to say if my DH made a one-sided decision of that magnitude about something I was so passionate about.

Do you think some professional counselling might help sort things out (together) - you might not get answers you like, but you might be able to make peace with it, or decide on another course of action??

Good luck, I hope you can work it out.

[Jaybe]

I sort of know how you feel - I am pg at the moment with #2 but DH has made it very clear after this that he wants no more. He too has said he'll get a snip but I wont let him. It just seems to final... I dont know if I am ready to accept that this is my last pregnancy.

I dont envy your position as I am sure I will be there myself in the future.

I would suggest counselling too, its such a life changing decision and cant be made one-sided.

[ge0rge]

You are not going to like some of this!!

About the baby issue - with all your current actions you are acting like a petulant child. And the more you act like this the more he is going to dig his heels in and say no. Or worse - he will go to the doctor and get the snip without telling you at all (which is kind of the direction you are pushing him in with this behaviour anyway)

Would you accept this type of behaviour from your own children???


About the other stuff - tell him - they are not rocket scientists or brain surgeons. They need direction - and as I said - would you accept his behaviour from your children?? As my DH says - 'tell me what the bloody hell is wrong - I am not a farkin mind reader'


Let it go for a while - and just stop dwelling on it. It will resolve itself either of 3 ways - 1) you and your husband have another baby, 2) you and your husband don't have another baby, or 3) you end the marriage and go have a baby with someone else.

You need to decide what means more to you - a baby or your family.

[daysea]

I think if your husband is that set on not having another baby he wouldnt be just using the withdrawal method and then only for sometimes in the month. Thats the most likely to fail form of contraception out there and if he was so sure on not having another baby he certainly would be insisting on you on the pill or IUD or the like or at the very least condoms.

He is either very uninformed on contraception or doesnt really mind if you end up pregnant using that kind of contraception in my opinion.

Sorry blunter then I usually am there but to me if someone is very anti more kids I cant even begin to fathom why they think thats a safe way of ensuring it doesnt happen.

Kim

[miamummy]

Originally Posted by pszi_1

You are not going to like some of this!!

About the baby issue - with all your current actions you are acting like a petulant child. And the more you act like this the more he is going to dig his heels in and say no. Or worse - he will go to the doctor and get the snip without telling you at all (which is kind of the direction you are pushing him in with this behaviour anyway)

Would you accept this type of behaviour from your own children???


About the other stuff - tell him - they are not rocket scientists or brain surgeons. They need direction - and as I said - would you accept his behaviour from your children?? As my DH says - 'tell me what the bloody hell is wrong - I am not a farkin mind reader'


Let it go for a while - and just stop dwelling on it. It will resolve itself either of 3 ways - 1) you and your husband have another baby, 2) you and your husband don't have another baby, or 3) you end the marriage and go have a baby with someone else.

You need to decide what means more to you - a baby or your family.

I agree and that was my first thought in bold, if he does not want another child you cannot force him to want it. IMO he is considering your feelings in asking you okay him to get the snip as he could just do it as a form of contraception and put an end to all. He has a right to refuse if he does not feel he wants anymore kids he is entitled to voice his opinion(as are you for wanting more kids). You both do need to really come together and figure out which way to go as either option is going to obviously affect you both dramatically as you seem to be at two very different ends of the spectrum.

[Rachie81]

I am very sorry to hear about your situation, and dont have any advise, but think that a few of the previous posters were a bit harsh. It is ok for things to really bother you at the moment, but you do need to try adn talk about it to him rather than pick at him. Its a terrible situation you are in. it is a little life that you may or maynot have that you are stuck deciding on. I hope you both get what you want and need

[TimeTraveller]

I am sorry to say this but from many of your recent posts - IF you did get pg - i could envisage that being a disaster in your marriage.... is another baby worth that? How would that effect your other 3 beautiful children.? Don't they deserve parents who would make such a huge decision together - rather than by sulking or whatever?

I would feel awful if my partner wanted another baby more than they wanted me - or more than they wanted our relationship to survive iykwim?

In most of your posts lately - you sound angry and bitter and completely absorbed by this baby that may never be - i am not saying this to be mean - but perhaps rather than marriage counselling you could try individual counselling. I feel like you must have a lot of sadness (rather than anger) inside. Your DH is copping the expression of this sadness. How it is effecting your children?

You are going to eat yourself up if you can't make a decision about how to live with your life as it is now -

It is unfair to bully someone (especially your partner) into having another child.

I would strongly advise you BOTH to be using contraception -.....

i really hope you can find some peace - really i do

ETA - i really hope you arent offended by what i have written chick - i have read all of your recent posts on this topic and i can see you don't want to be feeling this way and how much you wish things were different - so i just hope you can work thru this and turn toward each other rather than away from each other...... ((HUGS)))

[SalSam]

I would lie about when I am ovulating. Yes I know it is wrong but I would do it anyway.