Very unhappy place...

[SalSam]

I have just thought about this a bit more. After I m/c I was devastated and was quite frantic with TTC again. I felt like I could heal and move on past the m/c when I was pregnant again. If DH had of said no I would have been in a terrible state. We were only TTC our second so there was not way he would have said no luckily. Do you think that the way you feel has something to do with the grief caused by your m/c. Do you think that if you worked through your feelings about this that you might be ok with no more children?

I know that you had decided you wanted another one, hence the m/c but are you so effected by this because of your grief? Maybe with some counselling you would be ok with this?

I don't think you are acting like a child either. I think you are angry, hurt, grieving and you possibly feel that you will not heal after your m/c unless you conceive again. You probably think "what does he care anyway"? You do all the work with the kids. I would be thinking and yelling it at him that is he happy that you m/c that he didn't want it anyway. That isn't going to help anyone but I understand how you must be feeling.

It is wrong but I would still lie. I would never, ever admit to it either and say I did not know I was ovulating.

[Arlet]

Originally Posted by SalSam

It is wrong but I would still lie. I would never, ever admit to it either and say I did not know I was ovulating.

I applaud your honesty! That is a really brave thing to admit!!

I sincerely hope the OP takes a breath and doesn't do anything rash.
It's a cliche, but babies don't fix relationships or make you happy. They really deserve to be made with the purest of intensions. To come into the world cherished & wanted. Not to fix something broken or fill a hole inside and definately not in the shadow of deceit, guilt & pain.

My advice: Have a short term "goal" or "break" from the stress & hurt of this situation.
Till January or February, make no final decisions. These precious months of your gorgeous kids' lives that you'll never get back just enjoy & emerse yourself in, just as they are.
As PPs have suggested I think counselling would help you so much. It would be wonderful if your DH & you could go together as well.

Best of luck hun. I really hope the sun shines bright for you tomorrow and you get a chance to see your kids do something totally adorable in a special moment & you are completely happy even just for that minute. ((((((((Biggest of GBH)))))))

[zesmum]

Originally Posted by TimeTraveller

How it is effecting your children?

While I completely understand your post and the truth of it all made me cry, my kids are not being affected. They are completely loved and cherished and how I am feeling is not obvious to them. I hug them all the time and smile at nearly everything they do (except naughty things!!). I do feel very blessed with them.

Thank you all for your responses and honesty. I know I really need to wake up and move on - I do. I guess I am grieving and it is taking me a while to do. I am hurt and angry and sad...

While I have considered lying about o'ing, I could never actually intentionally lie to him. As much as I want another baby, one conceived by lying is not what I want.

I also agree on the contraceptive point. He is fully aware of how risky it is. I have told him it is very unreliable, at any time of the month. However, that is his choice not to use any other form. It doesn't bother me.

He suggested over the weekend that this time next year may be a good time to book himself in for the snip. I mouthed bad words back at him...

OK, it is a new day and I am going to back off and try and look for positives in my children growing up; no more nappies soon, great fun on our camping holiday (well, for the kids anyway, I hate camping), my big girls enjoying school and their sporting activities, and my gorgeous boy just being wonderful!!

Thanks again all!!

[JanelleC]

sorry but I agree with pszi, if you keep going the way you are going are going to tear your family apart! Do you really want that over the sake of another baby. What about the children you already have? We have 2 and I'm still up in the air about a third, if hubby didn't want another that's fine, you know what i am very thankful that i'm blessed with the two I have now and wouldn't change it for the world. You need to sit down with your husband and talk to him, you don't really know what's going on inside of him and honestly you are pushing him away. Would you really like him to go out and sleep with someone else because honestly that's what your doing to him. I know you long for another child but really you need to talk to your husband about it, ask him why he doesn't want another. Maybe you could get a pet instead. As I like to say think about your actions BEFORE you do them. You might be feeling rotten but what about how your husband is feeling?? It's a new day and soon it will be a new year!

[Chana]

I just wanted to send you some big HUGS. I can relate to a lot of how you are feeling. I very much want a third child, and it was one of (but by no means the main) reasons behind our separation last November.

You may have read, that we have decided to give our relationship another go, and for me, this means accepting the very real possibility of never having another baby. I am struggling with that, big time, and it's not going to be fixed by getting a pet, or a new hobby, or a vegetable garden (these are all things people have suggested to "replace" the baby that I want ). As much as I love and adore my boys, I am in a way angry at the universe for cheating me out of:

- a "normal" pregnancy and birth
- a second pregnancy
- the chance to be a mummy to just one infant at a time

When DH said that he had realised some of his wrongs in our relationship, and was willing to work on significant change, I had a big decision to make. After a LOT of soul searching, I realised that it was more important to me to rebuild what we had into a great marriage and parenting partnership for me and for our existing children, than it was not to let go of the dream of another baby.

However, one of the things that has made this bearable for me, was I asked him to concede that even though he felt this was a final decision, and I was not in any way going to try to nag him out of it, that he would try not to be absolutely set in stone about it, and that he would not do anything permanent.

I explained that to me, him having the snip, felt like me losing MY fertility, because in so far as us being a couple, I was (I know there's reversal, IVF etc., but it's just how I feel). I said that I accepted that having another child is and should be a completely joint decision, and that if he doesn't want another one, then we shouldn't have one. However, I also felt that decisions affecting our fertility as a couple should be joint, and that I would find it very hurtful and difficult to deal with, for him to do something permanent while I am still struggling.

Secretly, yes I do still hold out hope he will change his mind. However, I'm not pinning my life on that and I'm working towards being happy with the idea that if it never happens, I will be OK. He's helped by agreeing not to have the snip, and allowing me space to process my grief without seeing it as nagging or pressuring if I do happen to make a comment on feeling sad over it.

Anyway, long post and I don't know if any of it helps you. I just wanted to say that I understand how intensely you can ache for another baby, and that NEITHER of you should be using fertility as a power play...I think him insisting on having a vas against your wishes is just as "naughty" as you lying about O'ing would be.

[clare7777]

GBH!! All I can say is that I know EXACTLY what you are going through and exactly what you are feeling.

My marriage broke up for the exact same reason..........
15 months on and I am still not over not having another baby or Child & I am not to sure I ever will be .
Just take some time and have a good think about whats important to you and what you need from life before making any decisions.

But I have been where you are and I understand exactly how hard it is and hope it gets better for you soon

[SalSam]

Originally Posted by JanelleC

sorry but I agree with pszi, if you keep going the way you are going are going to tear your family apart! Do you really want that over the sake of another baby. What about the children you already have? We have 2 and I'm still up in the air about a third, if hubby didn't want another that's fine, you know what i am very thankful that i'm blessed with the two I have now and wouldn't change it for the world. You need to sit down with your husband and talk to him, you don't really know what's going on inside of him and honestly you are pushing him away. Would you really like him to go out and sleep with someone else because honestly that's what your doing to him. I know you long for another child but really you need to talk to your husband about it, ask him why he doesn't want another. Maybe you could get a pet instead. As I like to say think about your actions BEFORE you do them. You might be feeling rotten but what about how your husband is feeling?? It's a new day and soon it will be a new year!

Sheesh ^^^^^^^ that is a bit harsh. Get a pet instead???? yeah because that fills the hole that wanting a baby creates...not. You can be angry, hurt, grieving without it tearing your family apart. You are "up in the air about another baby" but she isn't she wants another one. How would you feel is your DH said no to your second or first?

People are allowed to be sad and hurt without them being selfish.

[JanelleC]

I'm not going to get into a fight but yes I would love another baby nothing would make me happier but there are personal reasons why we can't and I'm not going to go through with them on the internet. Her marriage is in trouble, the OP is black mailing her husband, her marriage needs help along with herself, she needs to sit down and talk to her husband I know I have been there and again it is personal and I'm not going through with it on the internet. The pet may not help but hell it was a suggestion, I have known other people that won't have children but have gotten a pet instead, that is why I made the suggestion.

[Bunny27]

Hi Zesmum,

I was in TTC with youwhen your DH sprung that on you, if I remember right you guys were TTC and then one day he said no more but by then it was too late and you were UTD and then you M/C ... i think that was how it happened right?

I was so sad for you because I knew how much you wanted another and he was all for it but then just said no ... it was pretty mean at the time. I think because one day he just took that choice away, it would of been a hard thing to accept. I would of been so angry if I was in your position.

You sound though after the advice that you are ready to move on, I hope it all goes well for you. I would never tell anyone how many children they think they should have so they feel fufilled (some woman have 10 and still have room for more )but if you feel you can be fufilled with your three and work on re building your marriage I say go for it. And if not then only you can make that choice.
I am another one who would say induvidual counselling over marriage counselling first - just to see if you can accept this by your self, and if not maybe then bring in DH so he can see how much it has affected you. I would hope he would understand a little especially if you say that you are expressing to him how much you want another child.

Best of luck to you, I really hope it all ends well for you and your family.
Bunny. xox

[zesmum]

Originally Posted by Bunny27

Hi Zesmum,

I was in TTC with youwhen your DH sprung that on you, if I remember right you guys were TTC and then one day he said no more but by then it was too late and you were UTD and then you M/C ... i think that was how it happened right?

I was so sad for you because I knew how much you wanted another and he was all for it but then just said no ... it was pretty mean at the time. I think because one day he just took that choice away, it would of been a hard thing to accept. I would of been so angry if I was in your position.

Bunny. xox

Yep, the above just about sums it up...

I think that is what makes it especially hard, that we were TTC #4 and got pg and then had the m/c. The fact that he had agreed to #4 then just took it back, it really hurts.

To PP, while I whinge about DH being lazy and not showing respect to me sometimes, it is not something I am going to leave him over. While I am angry and sad about the baby issue, I wouldn't necessarily say our marriage is 'on the rocks'. We get angry, yes, and say things we don't mean (even the thinking about being a single mum thing), but we are both committed to our marriage.

And no, getting a pet will NOT help. It might work for some but not for me. There is absolutely no comparison between a baby/child and a dog. However, we are getting a puppy for Xmas!! But still; not a replacement. DH had also suggested it might make me want a baby less. I don't think so.