How do people afford babies?

[Jods14]

I'm beginning to think I've made in incredible mistake. Almost feeling guilty for wanting to become a Mum. And I must admit becoming pregnant in the first place was a surprise for us all, something nobody thought would come so easily.
I went from working full time to having to stop the job I love almost two years ago now, when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia ( a muscular skeletal condition similar to arthritis). We survive on my Disability pension and I can manage about 15hrs a week work. My partner doesn't work and cant claim any C/L benefits because of a workcover payout, which we used to payoff our house, car, etc,etc. And all I can say is Thank God for that, because we would be on the streets now if we didn't secure those items.
We struggle to make ends meet now, so I'm really stressing about how we are going to afford to get the essentials for Bubs, let alone my maternity clothes, bras, pads, etc,etc. For many things second hand isn't going to be an option, because my fibro affects my hands I've started finding that I have great difficulties with most baby equipment, so it's going to come down to functionality. There's no point me having something I cant operate if I'm on my own.
How do others afford those big ticket items? The smaller things I'm not so worried about. I can sew, I can make lots of things and I have friends that sew who can help me in that department.
I know everyone says, it's too early to start stressing over those things, and babies don't cost much to look after.
And I know I'll get the family tax benefit and baby bonus once the baby comes, but that doesn't help with all the things you need before.
I know we will have to go without the basics so we can afford the things we need, and I will have to invent and get creative and make nappies and bras and menstrual pads & nursing pads because sometimes even the essentials are luxuries in our house.
I also know that many people will judge us and probably think we shouldn't have considered having children in the first place, but like I said, no one ever expected me to get pregnant and now that I am, termination isn't an option either.
So I just have to learn how to get through this predicament the best way I can, and I'd like to hear from anyone who can help ease my stress levels and point me in the right direction(s).

Jods

[MeNThem]

So I just have to learn how to get through this predicament the best way I can, and I'd like to hear from anyone who can help ease my stress levels and point me in the right direction(s).
Jods

OK there are a number of options out there, so don't stress just yet.

I know you have fibro, but it *may* (i stress the possible side of that) ease off as you get further into your pregnancy. I've got a friend in Perth who has fibro and has a little girl just turned 2 who she managed ok with despite her fibro. I can ask her for any particular things she had to help, but I *think* her symptoms really eased during, so it ended up that she didn't need special equipment/items if you know what I mean?

Now secondly, I think its really important for you to budget. I read your other post where you are already getting assistance from agencies who are out there... thats great, talk to them too. Get whatever help you can from them to direct you to other services out there.

I don't know where you are, but Aldi do great 'cheap' disposable nappies, but perhaps since you can sew, you should look into MCN's (modern cloth nappies)? They are FAR cheaper in the long run than disposable ones. More washing, which given your physical limitations may be more of a problem unless hubby can help with that side of things.

You know what, same with pads. I would personally still use maternity ones - you can get them relatively cheap at the big chemist warehouse type places, and for most women, you will only need a couple of packs after bub comes, then you can use normal pads. You could then swap to cloth pads (there is probably info on this site about them, if you can't find them, ask somewhere here and people will give you links!)...

Can your hubby get a bit of work just doing odd jobs, or computer work, selling things on ebay, or something like that? Minor but to supplement your household income?

As far as big ticket items... again, I'll come back to the budget thing. Put aside $5 a week now, and build up to $10 if you can later on. Then a little before bubs comes, you will have some $ aside. In my opinion, wait as long as you can to get big items. Obviously a cot or bassinet you will need before they arrive... but you could wait and see if someone has a cot they no longer need? You could start bub in a bassinet until after you start getting your Family Tax A/B payments?

You will be surprised just how much others will offer you second hand.... you will get clothes, bottle sterilisers/bottle sets (whether wanted or not lol), toys, etc... I honestly wouldn't worry about most of that for your first baby. Everyone I know has been inundated with hand-me-downs and new gifts that people give.

Depending on what state you are in, you may be able to hire a capsule from the ambos very cheaply (if someone doesn't offer you a seat)... there are things to watch out for with seats (that they haven't been in any accidents, that they are within x years of production etc - sorry, I can't remember how many years off the top of my head... might be 5, but I think 8-10?)... we hired ours for the first 6 months and extended a little longer for free, cost us $50 or something for that time I think. We found a capsule much easier than a carseat for tiny little newborns (granted we had two, so it was much easier to get two capsules out than two babies!).

Next thing to look at is what "Freecycle" groups are near you. You can post 'wanted' items there and you will be surprised by people's generosity. Not to mention if you keep an eye out for what people offer.

The same can be said for websites like GumTree - they have giveaway sections or often items there are cheap as people just want to clear them.

Keep watching ebay too... people like to clear baby gear and clear out there. I would if I had time lol. I got big bags of clothes for like $30 on there... and maternity wear.

it is worth looking on Facebook for small businesses who offer solutions for Mums and Mums-to-be - heaps of small businesses often run by Mum's where they make or market items designed to help other Mums. There may be some of the specialist items you are looking at there.

We didn't start really buying until I was probably over 20 weeks. Twin pregnancies are higher risk, so maybe thats why... but we didn't really see the need. We too were in a very tight financial situation, and realising that the second income would stop early and we would have to be carrying a LOT (I'm talking a few mortgages) on one income... so we had a lot looming for us too.

Oh one other place that might be worth looking at for big items particular, but maybe in general - local parenting groups. Many of them will welcome expectant mothers and they often have "for sale" sections. Plenty of parents might read the emails or newsletters but never have time to list items, so you could potentially put a list of items you want to buy in there. Local community noticeboards are another way too.

I hope this helps... I know it probably feels so distant and that your situation is so challenging that its never going to work... but the nature of being a parent is that you become very resourceful and find a way to survive. You CAN make do on very little with a newborn. It is made easier with some items, but to be honest, many items that you think you will need (a fancy stroller say) will barely get used... yet a simple item (baby bouncer, hired very cheaply from our local multiple birth club) can be a life saver! It is all part of the journey to get to know your baby and situation.

K/MeNThem.

[Jods14]

Thank you so much for giving me hope and reassuring me that we will manage. I get so overwhelmed so much more easily than when I was on my meds. But I have to remember to be strong for our little miracle. Mum and Dad gave me my brother's craddle at Christmas, so we're good for when Bubs comes home. So at least she'll have something to sleep in.
My friends say I should start selling some of the things I make, so maybe it's time to get sewing and see what extra cash I can make.
Thanks for all the suggestions as to where to get stuff that's a big help.
I know lots of people who have Fibro have told me I'll go into remission, and I know it's still early days, but I'm still waiting. Maybe I'm just getting impatient? I guess I've only got another week until I hit 12 weeks and my body will start changing again. It's nice to know there are others out there who have managed. I don't really know many people with fibro down here, and our local support group folded quite some time ago, so it's quite easy to feel alone in the big wide world, if you know what I mean?
Thanks again for your help.
xxx
Jods

[daysea]

Hi Jods,
I have rheumatoid arthritis and while some things can be a struggle Ive found you really just do it because you have to. Since becoming mum Ive become a lot stronger at taking a deep breath and doing it even though it really hurts with some things. The worse thing Ive found with diseases like mine (and yours) is that you look fine so poeple without a knowledge of immune diseases just dont understand why you cant do a lot of things or why its so hard sometimes.
Im lucky in that prednisone removes most of my pain but I try not to take too much of it becuse of all the side affect of long term pred but sometimes its neccesary.
We found people gave us so much and the really only thing I needed because of my disease was a change table and bath on a stand as I struggled doing things on the floor or having to stay kneeling for long. I got the change table from someone at my work and the bath and stand from ebay for $10 so it really is cheap initially with a baby.

My other suggestion is cant your partner do the things you cant do becuase of your disease? if whatever injury he has allows for that of course. My dh was and is very hands on and was a great help to me when dd was a baby and still is now she is a 5 year old, being my partner he understands the pain I can be in at times and when I am struggling he steps in and takes over and lets me have a break and this has helped me tremendously.

Hopefully you have family nearby to help out too and its amazing what a babysitting break can do to help restore some energy and get up and go.

I alos second freecycle we used this extensively when dd was born and got so much for free, now we are not struggling as much we give back and give away the old things we had on freecycle when we replace them with new.

Oh and re remission in diseases like ours its really common to go into remission to a degree and stay there even after the birth with breastfeeding etc, talk to your specialist though as personally in my case I got worse when pregnant and back to my level or normal once my dd was born.
Good luck
Kim

[frenchieM]

Hi Jods
Both of my bubs have been due on the 13th July and my DS was also due on a Fri! They are both the most adorable kids (and yes, I am biased) but I do believe July bubs are the best! So congrats on your pregnancy.
I know you say your partner "doesn't" work and I presume he is injured in some way? Does that mean he "can't" work? Any money (in any type of job) would be a help.
You can always co-sleep with your baby (especially if getting bubs in & out of a cot is too hard) and nappy changes can be done on the bed or on the floor. There are safe ways to co-sleep, you can ring SIDs and they will give you advice. You would be surprised what other things (prams, car seats) you can get off gumtree for really cheap.
Things will work out, they always do, try not to stress too much and enjoy your pregnancy!

[Jods14]

Thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate it. My Nanna was born on the 20th of July, and my Aunt born on the 6th of July. I have a gut feeling that I will be late and Bubs will come on Great Nanna's birthday! Could be wrong, but both my eldest cousins on my Dad's side share birthdays with another Generation. So it wouldn't surprise me if my Bubs was no different.
My partner hurt his back in a workplace injury, he has a pain pump implanted into the base of his spine to help alleviate some of the pain. He's wont ever be able to go back to the physical work he used to do, and because of what he went through during the time he had to wait for compensation, he's sometimes scared to walk out the door. He spends most of his life house bound and rarely goes out.
Mum and Dad gave me the cradle my Grandpa got my brother when he was a baby at Christmas time, it's a good height, which wont be difficult to get Bubs in and out. I also have a cot which a friend at work was selling, so when Bubs outgrows the cradle. So sleeping isn't going to be a problem. I'm planning going through the linen cupboard and butchering a few sheets that we don't really use much anymore to make linen for the bed and what ever else I might need.
So glad I was encouraged to sew and make things for my Barbies and her horses when I was a kid.
My immediate family are about 45 minutes away and Mum has just been put into the hospital in their town because she has a brain tumor that has started growing again, so Dad will be looking at permanent or palliative care sometime in the near future. So once Bubs is born, and I hope Mum lasts that long I'll be spending a lot of time up there for Grand parent time. Even if it means dumping Bubs for a few hours and going to the local quilt shop with my SIL or friends for a cuppa! But I do have friends and other relatives that are closer to home and who I have no doubt will want to have some Baby time.
I haven't been back to my specialist since I was diagnosed, because I've not been able to afford it. I really need to go to Melbourne and find a rheumy who specializes in fibro, but again, the time just isn't right, financially speaking, many of the specialists expect you to pay up front then take the bill to medicare. I don't have the money to be able to do that, so unless I can find someone who will let me pay the difference and leave the rest to medicare, then specialists of any kind are out of my league.
Anyway, I'm so pleased to be having a winter baby, watched my SIL have Feb babies and it really didn't look pleasant on those horrible hot Summer days.
Thanks for reminding me that things always work out, I tend to loose sight of that.
Breath taken, stress is less. Thanks very much to you all.

hugs
Jods xx

[zeeeb]

Try not to stress. Honestly, i have friends my age (in their 30's) who didn't have a basinette, they had a carboard box. And they turned out fine. We, in the western world, tend to carry on about all the things we need. But really we don't need all that.

I am second hand queen. I strongly suggest people use second hand where they can with babies, because so many things only get used for such a short time. I have no health or financial worries, but I still used 2nd hand cots, 2nd hand basinettes, 2nd hand prams, 2nd hand car seats, toys, clothes, everything i could.

Frecycle, is my friend, as is ebay. and i hate paying hundreds of dollars for an "essential" item that gets used for 3 months, or doesn't get used at all because the baby doesn't like it.

as long as your child has plenty of nutrition, love, a warm place to sleep, health care and later on eduction, thats all they need. they don't need a $1000 pram, they don't need a perfectly co-ordinated nursery, they don't need a $1000 basinette or cot. And there are so many things that you can do without. Really, a basinette is a waste of money somewhat. if you can get away with a cot, do it, the basinette generally only gets used for 3-6 months. and it's only a convenience that you can put it near your bed. if you can fit a cot in your bedroom, do it, and save the hassle of the extra item.

it will work out, and i'm sure you can find a way. it's hard not to feel like everyone has everything that opens and shuts, but essentially love and your time goes along way when money doesn't cut it.

[frenchieM]

I really can understand why you are feeling a bit anxious, I felt that way too (for different reasons, moreso I was worried about how I would cope with a dependent) and thats why pregnancy is for 9mths! Gives us plenty of time to get used to the idea.

I forgot to post this link yesterday - baby and kids market
You really should check out these markets! I couldn't believe all the clothes people were selling for $0.50-1 and you can bargain for things too. They were selling maternity gear too. Its basically a whole bunch of mums selling off the stuff they don't need anymore and as it gets towards the end of the market people will take virtually any offer just so they don't have to bring the stuff home again LOL.

Sewing is great too, although I find fabric is so expensive!! Maybe ask all your family to donate any old sheets and fabric to you too.

I am sorry to hear about your partner and your Mum

[Jods14]

Oooh! Thanks for the baby and kids market link. It's on the same Saturday as we have our quilting guild meetings, and what's even better I have to go past it to get there!
My linen cupboard needs a good clean out, when my partner moved in with me most of his stuff got shoved in there and hasn't seen the light of day. So plenty of fabric to play with. Oh and I love the remnants baskets and end of bolt sales. I've picked up some good bargins there too. And I'm sure if I went to my Mum's she'd have tones of stuff that she's never going to be able to use. hmmm? Unless I teach my Dad how to use a sewing pattern, then I could get him sucked into making stuff too!

[~CherryCola~]

Be sure to check out your local Op Shop too. We have some awesome things come in our local ones. Maybe if you build a friendship with the ladies there, they may be able to contact you if something you need comes in (as in baby furniture etc). Also if your on Facebook, see if there is a local Pay It Forward page. Our local one has some awesome stuff come up and the person who runs the page does up hampers for expectant mothers for free.

You could also check out KMart for baby clothes. They are becoming increasingly cheap and you can pick up some items for around $2-$3 each.

I know how hard it can be living on one wage. My DH also received a compensation payout and was excluded from C/L payments for quite a while. That time was the hardest we have ever experienced (we paid all our debts as well so weren't left with much). We had 1 child at the time as well. Do you have much longer left of the exclusion period?