Much loved little soul lost. LONG post warning...sorry.

[NicoleMM]

Yesterday, at 8wks 5 days, I lost our precious little baby.

Three weeks ago I was completely freaked out to find myself unexpectedly pregnant but in no time at all I was in love with this baby and researching people movers.

Three weeks ago I saw a strong heartbeat in a teeny bubba that was in a perfect position. Since my body has done this successfully three times already, I assumed all would be well.

I had tiny bits of spotting on and off throughout the pregnancy then on Tuesday it changed...mucousy (plug?) and mild cramps. My gut instinct was that something was dreadfully wrong. I saw my GP and we booked an ultrasound. Yesterday the cramping was almost unbearable, the bleeding very heavy and the US confirmed no heartbeat.

Again, thank you to the lovely girls in the 'Due in August' thread. xxxx

I am so so so so sad. It's almost overwhelming. My husband is away for work and not due back until Sunday night.

The only 'silly' thought that keeps going around in my head is that I feel like an idiot for telling everyone so early and, for some reason I can't explain, I'm really embarrassed about telling anyone what's happened. I've told you (first!), my husband, my children, my sister, my best friend and my Mum. I just don't want to tell anyone else. Pressure is on...school mum friends on Monday and all that.

Telling my children was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I'm a great believer in telling children the truth in an age appropriate way. They are so intuitive I knew I couldn't keep it from them. I told them something very sad had happened...that our new baby had died.

They have been amazing given their very young ages and they keep asking questions as they process it all...

Ben asked, "How did you know the baby had died?" He knew I'd been to the GP so I told him "My doctor and I worked it out together." Ben has seen a home-birth video (long story!) so I was able to say, "Do you remember XYZ's birth movie and how she was losing some blood after the baby was born? Mummy is losing some blood like that and I have terrible pains in my tummy. That was enough for the doctor and I to know something is very wrong."

Josie asked, "Why are you SO sad Mum? We didn't even know this baby." to which I said, "You know how much I love you, Ben and Charlotte? Well I already loved this baby that much too and it's very hard for me to believe I'll never meet him." (the children had nicknamed 'him' Fred )

My first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage which we discovered at our NT scan. That was a whole other level of sadness, being the first and 'passed' the 'danger period' etc. After that news I had a D&C so have never gone through a natural miscarriage before. I am 'ok'. Bleeding has eased but the contractions continue and I can't believe how SORE I am. Far out...for such an early loss, I'm almost as uncomfortable as after a delivery. I didn't expect that.

I'm off to the Dr tomorrow for an Anti D shot (I'm Rh neg) and he'll apparently schedule an ultrasound for sometime soon to make sure all has passed.

Whew...If you've made it this far, well done! And thank you for listening. Lordy...I'm so sad.

[Kahlia]

I am so so sorry for the loss of this precious one. Telling people is the worst, but i found it was probably most useful to get it out and get it over with so they dont ask unexpected questions. I sent out a text to everyone who i wanted to tell and also told them not call, i couldnt speak to anyone. i hated the kindy drop off and pick upmost tho because i didnt know anyone well enough to have told them i was expecting but then afterwards i felt i was being really rude because i just couldnt speak to anyone, and i couldnt explain why.

The questions your children asked breaks my heart.. they are so resilient and amazingly understanding though.

Do take care of yourself and take the time you need to grieve. Happy to chat if you want to vent. I did find chatting to others who had experienced the same thing helped a little.

Thinking of you and really feeling your pain
xx

[MermaidMumma]

No wise words of wisdom from me.. Just want to send some Hugs ((()))

[Turbo]

So sorry for your loss GBH's.

[stillhopefull]

Nicole,
I know there are no words to take your pain away but just wanted to let you know that we are all here for you if you need to chat, vent, scream, cry whatever. Take some time for you & DH to grieve when he gets back, it must be so hard having to deal with this on your own.

As for telling people, do it whenever you feel ready to. I know after my m/c's I couldn't speak to anyone other than my sister & DH told everyone else, he also told everyone to give me a couple of weeks to process it all.

Huge cyber hugs to you, please know that all of us in the August thread are thinking about you xx

[frenchieM]

I am so sorry, I lost a precious bub at 8w5d also and the pain doesn't ever go away.
Huge hugs xx Look after yourself.

[jellybean6]

Thinking of you Nicole. It is such a traumatic experience but know that others understand you and your grief.

I am suffering my very first miscarriage as we speak. Although only 5 weeks pregnant, the baby has been almost a year in the making and my DH and i were so very excited to be having our first child together (my 2nd). I started having some more painful type cramps with some brown spotting 2 days ago. Praying it wasn't going to end badly. Yesterday the brown turned red and has continued. The worst thing i think was seeing the blood in the toilet and knowing that it was actually our baby that we'd waited and longed for so much.

Because it is only 5 weeks we hadn't told anyone but my DH and i feel we have to share our loss with our close family as we are now no longer the same having been through this.

My DH has been wonderful. I am very lucky to have him and my darling DS.

Thanks for listening ladies. xx

[wildcat11]

Nicolemm - I am so so sorry you are having to go through this, as ppl have said there are many of us here if you need to talk, cry, scream, vent...

take all the time you need to grieve and surround yourself with your children, hubby and love...

With my m/c DP and I had done the same and told everyone work, friends, family, randoms just after 6 weeks... I managed to tell work then went into hiding for a few weeks - took extended sick leave and just hide away, I could not face anyone and could not answer calls.. The only thing that got me through at that time was this forum and the wonderful ladies on here.. I recreated the miscarriage thread and let my heart out on there...

As SH said tell people when you are ready or get your hubby to tell poeple for you.. Also as Kahlia said you can text people (which is what I also did with friends as I could not talk to anyone at that point)..


Jellybean - It breaks my heart that you also have to experience this, I am so so sorry for your loss.. I think you and DH telling your family and surrounding yourself with love and support is a very good thing to do... Take as much time as you need to grieve and to mend..

Nicolemm & Jellybean - Take each day as it comes and remember its okay to spend the day in tears - dont be hard on yourself for your emotions and the way you feel... Also as time passes its okay to laugh again and feel okay - I know it took me a while to not feel guilty for this..

Also remember there are wonderful women here who are so willing to help you through this. There are a few of us that keep an eye on the m/c thread to offer love and support to whoever may need it.. Also feel free to PM us..

It truely breaks my heart that women have to go through this

Sending much love, support and healing to you both xxxx

[angelface]

Im new to the forum, but wanted to offer my condolences. It is a terribly sad and heartbreaking thing losing a child. I lost my daughter Yasminah at 37 weeks and it nearly destroyed me.

I think a loss is a loss and we all experience and grieve in our own way. We all have the same hopes and dreams for our child, the moment we find out we are pregnant.

I just wanted to wish you gentle days ahead and a shoulder to lean on ((((hugs))))

[michelle77]

Nicole I also wanted to say how sorry I am. You are such a great Mum for dealing with such a sad loss the way you did with your children.

Look after yourself in these coming days and give yourself the chance to grieve fully for this loss. It doesn't matter how short a time they are with us - every child is truly loved.

Great big hugs.